Female Guiness Book of Records
(I hope this one doesn't offend. I'd really like to see it inspire
an equally funny Male Guiness Book of Records: Channel Surfing, Driving
While Lost Without Asking for Directions...)
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman
was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking
spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall
Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at
11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within
three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes
later.There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own
and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504
km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the
wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled
burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to
Holyhead with smoke billowing from the
rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest
completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator
flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st
August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the
Birmingham
branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday
morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical
dresses which were both in the sale.
After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room
with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually
bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for
the
other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the
record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995,
she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in
Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a
jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West
Yorkshire on
February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial
scramble
to get
in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first
table.
A
seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p
which
escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being
lost. A
pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread
throughout
the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local
boy
scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a
kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for
four
and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for
coffee,
cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was
exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The
outdoor
record for talking about nothing is held
by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth
(GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984
chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost
62
days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes
Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of
which
she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having
an
affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs.
Banbury
immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By
2.30pm, she
had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by
4.00pm
that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur
Dramatic Society, several knitting circles,a coachload of American
tourists
which she flagged down and the butcher's
wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night,
Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338
people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social
Security,
Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and
was
immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a
mass,
the
group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to
finish,
emerged 2 hrs 37mins later.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her
husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on
the
28th
October 1990,when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down
with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence
for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a
baddie, then, him in the
glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own
record
set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before
asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty
minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers,
48,
of Cowley,smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly
reported an argument she'd had in the butcher's to her neighbour. She
ranted on
for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air,
before
going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to
Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but
was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth
motormouth marathon, she achieved an
unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the
story an
amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles,
nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a
barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only,
accompanied
by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.
Thanks to Mark Thomas for sending me this delicious bit
of British humour. Cheers, Mark!
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Female Guness Book of Records: Humor ;) / January 2000 / send comments to strzalka@jkb2.chem.upenn.edu